I try to be a positive person most of the time. A dear friend of mine gave me some perspective on how being negative didn't make anything better years ago and I've tried to hold onto it through some really tough times. I don't expose my childhood online much these days. Years ago when I ran a small forum with a close-knit group of fellow geeks it was a welcome outlet to share my pain and find people who didn't think I was a freak because of the way I'd been raised. Life has changed since then and I realized last night just how lonely I am without it. The world is a judgemental and cruel place that I find myself wanting to escape from more and more of late. But books are only helping so much lately.
Earlier this week we had to run out for medicine for the tot. She's had a cold and fever and we were out of medicine for the fever so off we went. It was around five in the evening so of course our main drag in town was packed with people heading home, to the grocery store, and popping into all the fast food joints. In the dusky light a pair of teenagers darted out behind another vehicle to cross the road and by some grace of whatever Adam slammed the brakes fast enough. We BARELY missed him. I immediately began hyperventilating and trying not to ball my eyes out.
You see... I'm terrified of driving. I've never been able to get my license. Just being in a car is tough and I try really hard not to show it because it's been a source of contention with everyone for years. I'm ashamed of it and frustrated by it but can't seem to overcome it. But I really get tired of people judging me for it. I'm content to walk as needed and rode the bus for years before I met my husband. If I ask for a ride I offer to pay for gas and always make a point to thank those who offer without my asking because they know my situation.
Lately it's just one of several things weighing on my mind, scratching at my emotional composure, and stripping down my ability to push through bad days. I really can't talk about most of it, some of it's even silly... like me slipping on the frosty deck and busting my ass or the hubs telling me it's time to stop buying every single new Monster High doll that comes out. Do any of y'all ever feel like it'd be easier to take down a dystopian regime or work out a love triangle than it is to catch up on filing paperwork or potty training a toddler? This is my life and I am getting steamrolled by it! Staying positive is really hard right now... just because I went through an awful childhood and came out of it fairly well adjusted doesn't mean I'm strong. It just means I'm good at compartmentalizing my fears, hurts, weaknesses, and hopes away so they can't be trod on by the heartless folks who think empathy is an Indian sidedish. /vent (for all you MMO players that was a nod to you, hehe!)
This weekend I'm continuing to knaw on the TBR for review pile. I really wish I hadn't snapped up Illuminate: A Gilded Wings Novel by Aimee Agresti it's really long and so far excrutiatingly BORING. Nothing is happening that gives me any real idea what to make of the story. Where is it going? There's a fine line between intense mystery and just not giving a reader a clue. Maybe it will get better but I just hit Part 2 and still not getting anything that makes me want to finish it. The ONLY reason I'm feeling compelled to keep going—aside from it being an Amazon Vine review—is that I do like Haven, the protagonist.
I might have to start something else, maybe a non-YA, just to give myself a break from the dulldrums I'm feeling. I know I have several romances in the review pile that I could pick up. Oh, and I apologize for not having my TV Monday post up. With the tot and hubs sick and playing catch-up from my party last Saturday it completely slipped my mind until about 4PM and then it was time for dinner and all our shows. I didn't even know Castle wasn't new! I was sooo mad 'cause I'd had a weird dream that morning that I was with Ryan and Esposito in a church shooting bad guys at the doors so I was def in a Castle mood. Being Human rocked my socks though and it gave me a chance to catch up on PLL.
Alright, I am off to work on my Friday Five post for my other blog. I couldn't even come up with a topic yet so here's to being random eh? Have a great weekend and let me know what you're reading! -- Rhi