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-- Rhi


W.R. [02/03-02/05] :: The Steamroller That We Call "Real Life"

I try to be a positive person most of the time. A dear friend of mine gave me some perspective on how being negative didn't make anything better years ago and I've tried to hold onto it through some really tough times. I don't expose my childhood online much these days. Years ago when I ran a small forum with a close-knit group of fellow geeks it was a welcome outlet to share my pain and find people who didn't think I was a freak because of the way I'd been raised. Life has changed since then and I realized last night just how lonely I am without it. The world is a judgemental and cruel place that I find myself wanting to escape from more and more of late. But books are only helping so much lately.

Earlier this week we had to run out for medicine for the tot. She's had a cold and fever and we were out of medicine for the fever so off we went. It was around five in the evening so of course our main drag in town was packed with people heading home, to the grocery store, and popping into all the fast food joints. In the dusky light a pair of teenagers darted out behind another vehicle to cross the road and by some grace of whatever Adam slammed the brakes fast enough. We BARELY missed him. I immediately began hyperventilating and trying not to ball my eyes out.

You see... I'm terrified of driving. I've never been able to get my license. Just being in a car is tough and I try really hard not to show it because it's been a source of contention with everyone for years. I'm ashamed of it and frustrated by it but can't seem to overcome it. But I really get tired of people judging me for it. I'm content to walk as needed and rode the bus for years before I met my husband. If I ask for a ride I offer to pay for gas and always make a point to thank those who offer without my asking because they know my situation.

Lately it's just one of several things weighing on my mind, scratching at my emotional composure, and stripping down my ability to push through bad days. I really can't talk about most of it, some of it's even silly... like me slipping on the frosty deck and busting my ass or the hubs telling me it's time to stop buying every single new Monster High doll that comes out. Do any of y'all ever feel like it'd be easier to take down a dystopian regime or work out a love triangle than it is to catch up on filing paperwork or potty training a toddler? This is my life and I am getting steamrolled by it! Staying positive is really hard right now... just because I went through an awful childhood and came out of it fairly well adjusted doesn't mean I'm strong. It just means I'm good at compartmentalizing my fears, hurts, weaknesses, and hopes away so they can't be trod on by the heartless folks who think empathy is an Indian sidedish. /vent (for all you MMO players that was a nod to you, hehe!)

This weekend I'm continuing to knaw on the TBR for review pile. I really wish I hadn't snapped up Illuminate: A Gilded Wings Novel by Aimee Agresti it's really long and so far excrutiatingly BORING. Nothing is happening that gives me any real idea what to make of the story. Where is it going? There's a fine line between intense mystery and just not giving a reader a clue. Maybe it will get better but I just hit Part 2 and still not getting anything that makes me want to finish it. The ONLY reason I'm feeling compelled to keep going—aside from it being an Amazon Vine review—is that I do like Haven, the protagonist.

I might have to start something else, maybe a non-YA, just to give myself a break from the dulldrums I'm feeling. I know I have several romances in the review pile that I could pick up. Oh, and I apologize for not having my TV Monday post up. With the tot and hubs sick and playing catch-up from my party last Saturday it completely slipped my mind until about 4PM and then it was time for dinner and all our shows. I didn't even know Castle wasn't new! I was sooo mad 'cause I'd had a weird dream that morning that I was with Ryan and Esposito in a church shooting bad guys at the doors so I was def in a Castle mood. Being Human rocked my socks though and it gave me a chance to catch up on PLL.

Alright, I am off to work on my Friday Five post for my other blog. I couldn't even come up with a topic yet so here's to being random eh? Have a great weekend and let me know what you're reading! -- Rhi


M.A.D. said...

Don't be ashamed of your phobia with driving, Rhi. Some fears can be worked through, or gradually faced & desensitized, others not so much. My biggest phobia is pain and doctors/hospitals by association. I shake and cry and it's almost impossible to control without meds *sigh*. I feel like such a big baby ;P

I remember the toddler years [and thankfully everybody survived them lol]. But there could be other factors affecting your stress levels, hormones being a possible culprit.

It's funny, well ... ironic about what you said about usually being an optimistic person, me, too - because sometimes it seems like when the negativity hits, it hits hard.

While the following may not be everyone's cup of tea, I love going to a site called NDERF. It has all these current Near Death Experiences from all over the world, and it's kind of uplifting to read of their experiences while temporarily on *the other side*. For me, it helps to put things in perspective and reinforces the notion that life and our purpose on this screwy planet Earth is actually more beautiful than we often realize.

Then again, sitting down with a huge ol mug of hot chocolate while watching cartoons with the toddler can help make you smile, too.

Anyhoo, sorry to ramble but just wanted to commiserate and wish you smiles in the near future :)

Rhianna said...

:) Strangely enough M.A.D. coming onto my blog and finding a comment is the perfect uplifting experience. While I write the way I do for me, it gives me great pleasure to see that someone read what I was thinking about or found a review informative or what-have-you.

It can feel really lonely when you blog and no one comments. Like you're talking to the walls. lol So thank you for brightening my day with your comment. I may have to check NDERF out sometime but at the moment I think it would be more frightening than helpful. I'm the world's worst worry-wart... I swear it's genetic. My great-grandma was the same way.

Retail therapy helps sometimes. But then I get the CC bill and scream at myself for splurging. LOL Food is the worst. I am addicted to food as a comfort. I might be on the thin side but when things like cheese and garlic bread are the most comforting thing in the world reminding myself to nibble in moderation for the sake of my health is tough.

Ah well, the tot just woke from her nap, better to grab her for some cartoons and hot chocolate... 'cause that, my friend, is a brilliant idea! ;)

-- Rhi

koorihime-sama said...

Yeah, like MAD said, don't be ashamed of your phobia.

I have a phobia of riding in buses. I was in a bus wreck when I was younger, in elementary school. All throughout my school year, I sat in the front since I got panic attacks whenever I sit towards the back. I would complain to my dad whenever the bus driver sat me in the back. ^^;

And I know how you feel when you blog or post something and no one posts anything.

Rhianna said...

Wow! I can very much relate to that type of thing Koori.

I was in a car accident (some who've followed the blog since early on might remember) when I was preggers with the tot that has made me even more edgey as a passenger. My hubs and inlaws don't know it but one reason I kinda ramble like mad when we drive places is to distract myself. I have to think about anything but where I am until we're parked.

I'm just really glad my husband is an amazing driver. More than once his quick reaction time and thinking have saved us from fatal accidents. I'd go bananas if we ever moved to one of the big cities I was raised in. lol Even this small city is a lot for me to handle.

Oh and on the subject of comments. We're lucky to be book bloggers. I've found book bloggers get more comments than bloggers who do other types of reviews. ;)

koorihime-sama said...

I live a small city as well. I hate big cities -- too much traffic. Whenever I do drive, I try to stick to back roads or roads I am familiar with. I hate driving on interstates (and sometimes highways). *SHIVERS* I hate traffic. Too many idiots. ^^;


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